Color Me Surprised
by Red Witch
Summary: Pam introduces a new stress relieving program at the office. Unfortunately it ends up causing more stress than it relieves.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters at all has gone outside the lines. Just some fun and frolics with our favorite spies and drones.**

 **Color Me Surprised **

"What in the name of all that is stupid…?" Mallory let out a sigh as she looked at the bullpen. "What are you idiots doing **now**? I ask, knowing the reason will destroy my desire to be sober."

"When have you **ever** had a desire to be sober?" Cheryl snorted as she colored in a coloring book.

"It's the latest craze in de-stressing!" Pam spoke up. She and all the other employees were at tables with coloring books and coloring pencils. Also there were bottles and glasses of Glengoolie Blue on all the tables.

"It looks like you're all working on coloring books," Mallory blinked.

"They are coloring books!" Krieger said cheerfully. "It was Pam's idea!"

"Of course it was…" Mallory grumbled. "The fountain where all stupid ideas come from."

"Ms. Archer this is the latest in therapeutic stress relief techniques!" Pam told her.

"This is one of Pam's newest HR initiatives for this office to be a _more productive_ _workplace_ ," Cyril said. "Honestly this place couldn't be less productive."

"Well not with that attitude," Archer snorted.

"This is a joke right?" Mallory blinked. "I mean I know you lot are a group of immature idiots screwing around on my dime every chance you'd get but this is a new low even for you!"

"It's not a joke Ms. Archer," Krieger said as he colored. "It's the latest trend."

"Let me guess. This is some new age hippie-dippy therapy gimmick some quack psychologist thought up?" Mallory rolled her eyes. "I always thought that psychology was a racket. And here's the proof."

"It's not as much therapy as it is a tool to manage stress," Pam pointed out. "It gives the mind a chance to zone out the world and relax."

"Your minds are **already** zoned out from the world," Mallory said. "And if they were any more relaxed some of you would be reclassified as vegetables."

She looked at Ray. "One of you is already classified as a fruit."

"Just had to say that didn't you?" Ray grumbled.

"It was a big fat one," Mallory shrugged. "Blame it on the **other big fat one!"** She pointed at Pam.

"I had my doubts too Mother," Archer said as he looked up from his coloring book. "But I think this actually works. As a spy this provides a nice break from my stressful job where I need to multitask all day."

"Sterling your idea of multitasking is to open a bottle with one hand and a Playboy with the other," Mallory gave her son a look. "While yelling at Woodhouse for some idiot reason."

"It's not always a Playboy," Archer pouted.

"I don't know why I'm shocked considering the childish mentality of most of you…" Mallory groaned. She looked at one of the books on Pam's desk. "What the? What are these? Coloring books or practice for Walt Disney animators?"

"Adult coloring books are much more intricate and detailed," Pam explained.

"I've seen glass mosaics that didn't have as many parts," Mallory blinked. "They expect you to fill in all of these…"

"I made a unicorn pretty!" Cheryl showed her coloring book, which had a lot less detail than the other ones.

"We thought it would be safer to give Cheryl regular coloring books," Pam whispered to Mallory.

"Good call," Mallory agreed. "But this is…"

"I know, but it's become very popular," Lana shrugged. "And even I find it kind of relaxing. Coloring books for adults are on top of nearly all the best seller lists in the country."

"I knew the intelligence level in this country was becoming more and more infantile but this…" Mallory groaned.

"It's not like **that**!" Lana protested. "It's a way to relax and destress without using technology. And it's also a popular way to connect with people."

"What do you mean?" Mallory blinked.

"All over the country people and bookstores are organizing coloring parties," Pam spoke up. "Some even have coloring book classes for up to fifty bucks a person."

"Let me see if I get this straight," Mallory raised an eyebrow. "Grown adults **pay** **actual money** to sit around and color for an hour **in groups**?"

"And drink wine and other alcoholic beverages," Ray added.

"I'm in," Mallory gave up.

"I thought that would do it," Ray remarked.

"If I actually cared what you thought Gillette I'd jump off the roof with a cement parachute," Mallory began as she started to leaf through coloring books. "What the…? Sherlock Holmes? _Sherlock Holmes_ has a coloring book? And there's TV and movie ones? Is that a _Playboy_ coloring book you're working on Sterling?"

"We told you. These are for adults," Archer explained. "And don't let the Playboy one fool you, it's not all different kinds of flesh tones. There's a lot of flowers, drapes and motorcycles in there."

"And some very strategically placed butterflies," Cyril added. He was also doing a Playboy coloring book.

"I suppose this is where the alcoholic drinks come in," Mallory quipped as she sorted through the spare coloring books.

"I admit it was a selling point for me too," Archer said as he colored.

"Not surprising considering coloring wasn't exactly your forte as a child," Mallory groaned. "You always went outside the lines!"

"I'm an outside the lines kind of guy!" Archer barked. "That just means I'm a creative thinker!"

"It means you can't control yourself," Cyril grumbled. To this Archer threw an eraser at his head. "HEY!"

"Can't control myself!" Archer quipped.

"I can't believe I'm actually going to do this," Mallory sighed. "I haven't colored since I was in the third grade."

"And even then I'll bet you had a servant do it for you!" Cheryl snorted.

"No, Flame For Brains!" Mallory snapped. "I paid a classmate a quarter to do it."

"Wow…" Ray gave her a look.

"I know what you're thinking," Mallory sighed. "I undercharged him. But it was a class project and Todd Whitson was my partner and he had a huge crush on me. I know I probably could have charged him more but I was young and a little naive…"

"Not exactly what I was thinking…" Ray admitted.

Mallory went on. "And it turns out it was money well spent. Not only was Todd better at coloring, we both got an A!"

"And you learned a valuable lesson about paying people for doing work," Archer scoffed.

"Well you're not wrong there," Mallory remarked. "I think I'll do this Gardens of New York one. At least it's fashionable." She sat down at a desk after grabbing a bottle of alcohol from her son's desk.

"Hey!" Archer snapped. "You stole my bottle!"

"There's another one in the cooler," Lana pointed.

"But it was my bottle!" Archer fumed. He went up to go get one.

"I might as well get a drink too," Cyril said as he got up. He noticed Krieger's book. "Krieger pigs aren't green."

"Hello? Piggly?" Krieger gave him a look.

"Which one?" Cyril asked.

"Pretty much any of them," Krieger shrugged.

"Anyone have any more pink coloring pencils?" Ray asked. "I'm running out."

"Come up with your own jokes folks," Mallory took a drink. "That one is too easy even for me."

"You're just easy period," Cheryl snorted.

"Keep it up Whorei Spelling!" Mallory snapped. "One of these days…"

"Can it be today?" Ray quipped.

"Only in my dreams," Mallory sighed as she flipped through the pages. "Damn it. Aren't there any beginner pages in these books?"

"I know right?" Archer asked as he went back to his desk with two bottles. "And these are **my bottles**! No touching!"

"Did you have to take the last two?" Cyril fumed.

"Yes," Archer snorted as he opened a bottle and took a drink.

"Cheryl the sky isn't supposed to be purple," Cyril said as he noticed Cheryl's work.

"It is on my world!" Cheryl snapped. "You are not my coloring supervisor!"

"I think this is going well," Pam said cheerfully.

"I don't know…" Lana said. "This is starting to resemble your snowflake making stress relief program."

"It was a good idea, in theory," Pam protested.

"So was the atom bomb," Mallory rolled her eyes.

"Remember? Half the office including Archer, Cheryl and yourself were cutting out X-rated cutouts?" Lana went on. "Some of them were pretty disturbing."

"Not half as disturbing as Cheryl's human centipede ones," Mallory remembered. "Oh dear God that was also when…"

FLASHBACK!

It was a few years ago at the office Christmas party. But it wasn't a silent night folks.

"AAAHHH!" Brett hobbled along on crutches as fast as he could. But it wasn't fast enough.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Cheryl body slammed him from behind. She held a pair of scissors over his head. "I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S SNOWFLAKES ARE UNEVEN NOT SO TINY TIM!"

"CHERYL KNOCK IT OFF!" Lana shouted as she, Cyril, Pam and a few office drones went to grab her.

"AAAHHHGGGGGHHH!" Brett screamed as Cheryl shoved her scissors into his mouth.

"I'M GONNA CUT THAT STUPID TONGUE OUT OF YOUR STUPID MOUTH!" Cheryl cackled.

"GRAB HER!" Lana shouted. She and the others barely managed to drag her away.

"Oh my God…" Brett moaned. Blood was leaking out of his mouth. "She scratched the inside of my cheek!"

"Cheryl knock it off! Settle down!" Lana shouted as she and the others dragged Cheryl off. "Archer are you going to help me here?"

"No!" Archer laughed as he watched the scene. "Go on Carol!"

"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl yelled. She broke away long enough to cut the lower half of Archer's tie.

"HEY!" Archer shouted. "THIS WAS A SILK TIE!"

Then he lunged at Cheryl. Soon there was a mess of people fighting.

BAM!

"OW! YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE EYE!" Cyril yelled holding his left eye.

"Whoops," Archer laughed.

"AAAHH!" Cyril fell backwards onto a table laden with goodies and a punch bowl. The table collapsed and Cyril was covered with treats and punch.

Unfortunately some of the punch spilled over onto a badly taped electrical outlet that plugged in a small lit up Christmas tree. The electrical outlet predictably sparked and before anyone could say 'Holly Berries' the tree caught on fire.

"GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!" Ray was heard shouting.

"GET THREE OF THEM!" Someone else shouted.

"CHERYL! CALM DOWN WILL YOU?" Pam shouted as she tried to wrestle Cheryl along with a few other people.

"MAKE ME!" Cheryl cackled madly.

"WHERE'S THE DAMN TRANQUILIZERS?" Lana shouted.

"OW! SHE STABBED ME IN THE LEG!" A male agent with a mustache yelled. He hobbled out of the melee holding his bloody leg.

"YOU TOTALLY DID THAT ON PURPOSE!" Cyril shouted as he got up.

"Well duh," Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"I WAS TALKING TO ARCHER!" Cyril shouted. "ASSHOLE!"

"Wait, am I the asshole or Archer?" Cheryl stopped fighting. "Use your proper nouns!"

"GET THE FIRE OUT!" Ray was heard shouting. "GET THE FIRE OUT BEFORE THE..."

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSPPTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

"Sprinklers go off…" Ray groaned as sprinklers doused the room, getting everyone wet.

"Oh my god he's bleeding!" A woman yelled.

"Well duh! Again!" Cheryl waved her scissors before she was tackled to the ground. "YOU ARE ALL NOT MY SUPERVISORS!"

"KRIEGER!" Lana shouted.

"Oh right!" Krieger casually pulled out his tranquilizer gun and shot Cheryl in the neck.

"Best party ever!" Cheryl whooped before she passed out.

Mallory stood there with a drink in her hand, getting wet. "Great! Another new dress **ruined**! This is why I can't wear anything nice to the office!"

"Well at least the fire's out," Krieger said cheerfully. "And Cheryl's been subdued."

"But my punch is even more watered down than before!" Mallory shouted.

"AND I'VE BEEN STABBED!" The male agent shouted.

"Me too…" Brett moaned where he lay.

"Oh barely! And no blood on the carpet!" Mallory ordered.

"I don't know," Archer said. "The fire sprinklers are kind of washing out the blood."

"Way to go Pam!" A female agent snapped at Pam. "Another one of your stupid ideas has caused a disaster!"

"Having a snowflake making contest is an appropriate holiday activity that is supposed to bring this office together!" Pam snapped.

"Yeah together into the emergency room!" The female agent snapped back.

"OH SHUT UP CARLA!" Pam shouted as she punched Carla in the face.

"THAT'S IT!" The male agent that was stabbed hobbled out. "I'M QUITTING THIS NUTHOUSE AND GOING TO WORK FOR ODIN!"

"Me too!" A male office drone agreed.

"I'm not getting paid enough for this!" A female drone agreed. "In fact I haven't been paid in **weeks**! I'm out of here!"

"So am I!" Carla snapped as she stood up. "Hell I might quit the spy game altogether and go back to being an actress!"

"GO ON! GET OUT OF HERE YOU TRAITORS!" Mallory shouted as some people started to leave. "And you know what happens to traitors…" She pulled out her gun.

"Mallory no!" Lana managed to grab Mallory's arm right before she fired.

BANG!

"YEOOWWWWWW!" Brett screamed as Mallory's bullet hit his shoulder. "MY ARM! OWWW!"

"Oh sorry Brett," Lana winced. The deserting members of the agency took the opportunity to run off. And a few more people joined them.

"He's ruining my carpet with his blood and you're apologizing to **him?** " Mallory snapped. "AND SOMEONE SHUT OFF THE GOD DAMN SPRINKLERS!"

"God I love Christmas parties," Krieger beamed. Everyone glared at him. "What?"

FLASHFORWARD!

"And that's why we can't have scissors," Mallory sighed.

"Or Christmas parties without warning the emergency room in advance," Ray added.

"Not to mention I had to stop the Christmas parties because more and more people kept quitting the agency during them," Mallory grumbled as she started to color. "Oh God I'm bored of this already."

"You've only been coloring for literally three seconds!" Pam snapped. "Just have another drink or something!"

"Finally Pam you have come up with an **intelligent idea** ," Mallory said as she took another drink. "It took you nearly fifteen years here to do so, but you finally managed."

"I can manage a lot more you rotten old bitch!" Pam made a fist. "I'm a good HR manager!"

"Ehhh…" Everyone else in the room made the same sound.

"Shut it! I am!" Pam snapped. "I mean who else can you get to put up with these assholes?"

"Not for lack of trying," Cheryl quipped.

"You want a piece of me?" Pam snapped.

"Oohh! Tease!" Cheryl purred.

"Will you all be **quiet?** " Krieger snapped. "I'm trying to focus!"

"Just pretend it's one of your stupid Shrinky Dinks," Cyril snapped.

"They are important experiments!" Krieger snapped.

"No they're not!" Cyril told him. "And Archer you're not even coloring inside the lines!"

"It's a new technique!" Archer told him. "I'm going for a rainbow effect."

"Isn't that Gillette's specialty?" Mallory quipped.

"You know…?" Ray glared at her.

"You're just taking different colors and scribbling them all over the picture!" Cyril snapped.

"Who made you Coloring Supervisor?" Archer barked.

"YEAH!" Cheryl shouted. Then she noticed something about the pencils. Some of them were very sharp.

That's when she got an evil idea. And an evil grin appeared on her face.

"What exactly are we supposed to do with these things after we finish them anyway?" Ray asked.

"Put them on the refrigerator! Duh!" Archer snorted. "Wait, that will just mess up my refrigerator."

"Where the hell are the puke green coloring pencils?" Krieger looked around. "Who's hogging them?"

"You can't just use different shades of green for everything Krieger!" Pam snapped.

"Why not?" Krieger asked. "You're not my Coloring Supervisor!"

"YEAH!" Cheryl held up a sharp pencil like a knife.

"Cheryl! Why are you holding that pencil like that?" Cyril noticed and started to get worried.

"You're not my coloring supervisor!" Cheryl snarled as she lunged at Cyril with the pencil.

"AAAAHHH!" Cyril ran away from Cheryl who chased him around the office.

"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl cackled as she chased Cyril.

"ANARCHY NOW!" Krieger shouted as he tore up his coloring book into little pieces and threw the pieces around like confetti.

"Cheryl! Don't you dare stab Cyril!" Mallory ordered. "We have enough bloodstains on this carpet as it is! CHERYL!"

"But he's so stab-able!" Cheryl whined as she stopped.

"I am done with you people stomping on my artistic creativity!" Krieger stood up.

"Me too!" Archer agreed. "Coloring sucks!"

"Like all Pam's ideas," Ray agreed.

"You assholes want me to shove these coloring pencils right in your eyes?" Pam threatened them with the pencil.

"How come she gets to stab them but I can't?" Cheryl shouted.

"That's it! I'm **done**!" Mallory got up and grabbed her drink. "I'm counting this as a team building exercise and calling it a day!"

"It's not a team building exercise!" Pam snapped. "IT'S A STRESS RELIEF PROGRAM DAMN IT! AND IT WORKS!"

"Yeah it's doing _wonders_ for **you** ," Ray rolled his eyes.

"I'll just do this!" Cheryl pulled out a lighter.

"CAROL WHERE DID YOU GET THAT LIGHTER?" Archer shouted. "WHOSE TURN WAS IT TO SEARCH HER FOR LIGHTERS THIS WEEK? YOU…Oh wait it was me."

"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl cackled as she set some coloring books on fire.

"Sorry guys. My bad," Archer shrugged. "I forgot it was my turn this week."

"Oh for…" Mallory fumed. "Krieger…"

ZZAPP!

"Oh, you're on it…" Mallory let out a sigh as Krieger pulled out his tranquilizer gun and shot Cheryl in the neck.

"I love coloring…" Cheryl warbled before she passed out on the floor.

"Now someone put out the damn fire?" Mallory snapped. "As tempted as I am to let the entire building burn to the ground with all of you in it. But since this building is still technically uninsured and I can't get any money out of arson…"

"And another one of this office's infamous team building exercises comes to an end," Cyril groaned as Lana grabbed a fire extinguisher.

"It wasn't supposed to be a team building exercise!" Pam snapped.

"Well this is usually how our team building exercises end," Krieger quipped.

"Oh yeah it's all coming back to me…" Ray groaned. "Why we banned arts and crafts."

"And also why we go through so many fire extinguishers in a month," Lana groaned as she put the fire out.


End file.
